I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
