They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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