I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to align my fucking chakras
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
