I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
