I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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