So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
