Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize