I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
