Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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