So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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