I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
