can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
