haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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