maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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