Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize