So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Can I color on your dick again?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
