my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
