ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
