So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
