you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
