Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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