it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
