I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
