I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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