there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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