Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
