We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
