I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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