i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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