ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
