omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
