worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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