If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
