so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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