eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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