They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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