did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
