I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
