The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
