I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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