I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
