YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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