I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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