I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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