walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
