Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
