Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
