So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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