I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
