I think I won the penis lottery.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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