so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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