Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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