$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
