Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
