Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
