i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My cat gives me a boner
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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