I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
