Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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