Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize