he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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