I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize