I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
