Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
