we have officially mastered the walk of shame
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
She even gives head with a lisp.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
tell me about the eggs
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
