And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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