This show inspires me to have sex in space
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
