Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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