Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
