I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
