my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
