if i can run in heels then i can drive
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
