Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
